"You can't ride two horses, pick one and ride it!" -Mr. Griffin

Griffin: You can't ride two horses. That would hurt. Think about it...
Ali: [pained] I'm done thinking about it.
Griffin: You sure??

Ali: The only reason I'm here is for the AP Gov. test.
Griffin: Oh thanks, Ali! Good to see you too! There's no comeback to that.
Ali: Actually I didn't hear you...
Griffin: I heard you. Ooooooooh. I am absolutely winning this battle.

Griffin: Don't make fun of the seventies. The seventies is my decade, as Gilly so astutely pointed out. I had some disco jackets, some velour shirts, 1970s stuff.

Griffin: Ah, David Ben-Gurion... yes. His hair just begs to be ridiculed.

Griffin: Forging documents, illegally burning DVDs, fooling people, you name it...

Mr. Griffin: "Do you guys get 'This Week' magazine? No? Well it takes one public issue and publishes current articles about that one issue. Conservative writers next to democratic writers. Did you guys hear about that guy who was stopped in the airport with 24 lizards on him? He had ten in his shoe! I swear the article said he had a snake with him too."
Megan Schmeisser: "So they wrote this magazine about a lizard guy?"
Mr. Griffin: "Well...no. That was just a good story."

Griffin: He's got a tattoo. I bet he could fight off a snake!

Hinze: "The only things I care about are myself and partying. Well, and money, but that's only to facilitate myself and partying."

Hinze: "These guys don't have an ounce of talent, but they sing about partying and pizza so they rule."

Hinze's response after seeing his own comments:
Hinze: This is ridicuous. I don't remember every saying that. Did you write this?
Evin Hatch: No, I'm just a viewer.
Hinze: Could you click on history up at the top? ...schmeisser.

Hinze talking about the gold lab:
Hinze: This room is perfect for a secret mafia headquarters. I mean, you've got the heavy-duty door, no windows, spotlights, a globe painted on the wall, computers everywhere. The vents? There would be a secret agent crawling through the vents and I'd pull out a semi-automatic rifle and shoot it at the vents saying witty things while doing so.

On Bigfoot...

Griffin: I was seven or eight... and my sister was 11 or 12 and she was the way 11 or 12 year olds are. I don't need to explain that, do I? Terrible. Anyway, my sister said, Look outside the window! It's Bigfoot! And there was this tree that looked just like Bigfoot. That started this horrible series of Bigfoot nightmares. It made me very sad. I still don't like Bigfoot to this day... but I do like my sister. So that's the way this story ends.

On gambling...

Griffin: [explaining the general will]...and so we get gambling... I can't wait! I'm going to become a pimp and a drug dealer.
Griffin: I can assure you that Las Vegas (and you can trust me, I've been there twice) is way more fun than Columbus, Ohio. Gracie, have you heard the phrase "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? If I want to gamble and wear a hat with a feather, I'm flying to Vegas. And you guys will ask me, "Why are you wearing a purple felt jacket, Mr. Griffin?"
Griffin: I'm drunk with winnings from the casino!
Griffin: I'm going to be the coach of the Upper Arlington High School Gambling team.

On the redundancy of post-WWI peace conferences...

Griffin: I suspect that they really just wanted to go to cool places. We agree to meet again... in Hawaii. Look at where doctors and lawyers meet for their continuing education conferences. Cool places! Look where teachers go... Worthington Kilbourne or Las Vegas... New Mexico. I assure you there's no gambling there.

Judge Jane: My dad is older than your dad!
Griffin: Yeah, well... my dad could beat your dad up!

On latex gloves...

Griffin: This is the least dramatic glove-putting-on ever. I don't know how many dramatic ones there are but this is certainly at the bottom of the list.
Griffin: These are the cheapest gloves... not that I know much about latex gloves but these seem cheap to me...
Griffin: Rubber gloves, man, who knew these would be so much fun in class. Actually I should buy a bunch. Oh, how about this? First day of school, I have a box of gloves on the desk and if I go to write on the chalkboard, I take one out, put it on, and write. That is highly irregular.

On smoking chalk...

Griffin: *pretends to smoke piece of chalk* You wanna try it?
Student: That's horrible.
Griffin: I turned it around to the other end. But really, there's plenty of chalk if you want to try it...

On the "door decor"...

Student: We should hang the glove on the door.
Griffin: People would think that that is highly irregular. That's good, very good. We can put it there and nobody talks about the glove. It's just up there, like, "where did that come from?"
Student: We should have a new thing every week.
Griffin: So we could do a plastic chicken, a fake rat... does anyone have fake vomit?
Student: Hanging from the door?
Griffin: Why not??

Griffin: Another teacher who teaches in this room expressed concern that parents (coming for conferences) would be worried when they saw rubber gloves hanging around the classroom. This makes me very happy.

Evin Hatch: "The glove is a conversation starter because the secrecy makes it a secret conversation starter!"
Mr. Griffin: "That makes me very happy."

On his teachers from high school...

Griffin: Caruso... he's the reason I wanted to be a doctor.

Griffin: I had Hartley for American Studies. He's utterly hilarious. He's so smart; he knows everything; he's like a fountain.
Student: Did you get much done?
Griffin: Imagine days like today, all the time.

Griffin: Eds.. he used to smoke chalk.
Student: Why?
Griffin: It was just his schtick... His lips would get all white and he would spittle. He was terrific.
Student: Mr. Griffin, what's your schtick?
Griffin: Being nerdy? I don't know...

On Constable Duff...

Griffin: And you'll read about the very aptly named Constable Duff. Makes me think of Duffman. Terrific. And, as you read, you'll be like, yup, he's an ancestor of Duffman.

Griffin: Ah, that's right. The 'Burg Brawl. That's so ridiculously West Side Story.

Griffin: They should have rainbow paper for the worst of the bust-o--grams. Or better yet, jet black. If it's jet black report immediately to Kip's Office... or else.

Griffin: I decided to let you all have one free wiki post. No competition this time. No matter what kind of rubbish you produce. You'll only be judged by your peers and that's fine.

Griffin: Let's decide to use first name, last initial on wiki posts. don't want to be accused of somebody stalking you because of what you've written. Privacy is a big issue. I don't want you to be a cyberstalkee because of your wiki-ing.

Griffin: I don't know what dead human bodies smell like. I don't know what making sausage smells like. My guess is that neither smells good. But, I digress, as normal.

Griffin: Political, economic, social... three nice IB words that make them all geeked up.

Griffin: Stripping people of things is always something I enjoy: dignity, pride, you name it, I want to get rid of it.

On (ambiguous) British Rhetorical Style...

Griffin: "Best endeavours"? What does that mean? How can you know? That's like, when my son hands me some terrible stick figure drawing and I say, "Now, Teddy, did you really use your best endeavours? Hmmm?"
Griffin: Their language is really laughable. I laughed... at lead a silent laugh in my own monologue that's going on in my head.

On Haunted Houses...

Student: The people who work there are allowed to touch you.
Griffin: The word groped comes to mind. I don't want to be groped. I don't want to be treated like an object.
Student: There was this one guy making out a with a doll!
Griffin: What kind of doll was it? Making out with a full size doll? Ehhhh.... not so bad. Respectable. Making out with a Barbie? Not so much.

On SIGG water bottles...

Griffin: Actually I would use purple, because as a Kenyon College Lord, purple is my color.

On Cleveland...

Griffin: We've got the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame and the worst football team imaginable.

On Three Strikes Laws...

Griffin: [sarcasm] The whole Three Strikes Law is SUCH a great idea that I can hardly believe it. I really, really hope Ohio gets it.... and then there are the proponents of Three Strikes who say, "You mean, you want criminals on the streets?" Yes. I want them on the streets. I want them robbing your houses and doing terrible things to your families.

On 'Holiday' Coca-Cola...

Griffin: [contemplating coke box with Santa on it] I don't know what 'holiday' we're celebrating... Hmmm..
Jane (not judge): In Spanish, it says "Feliz Navidad."
Griffin: Spanish speakers don't have holidays; they only have Christmas.

On WebWasher...

Griffin: I would be Google Image searching the most wildly inappropriate things imaginable. Ah.... *smiles and gazes into space* I'm just thinking about all the things I could be Google Image searching if we had Google Image at school... and most of them don't have to do with Middle Eastern History.

The Many Nicknames of Mason Gauch...

-Rain Man

On Dating Freshmen Girls While In High School...

Griffin: Me? No way. Did you see that turtleneck? Too sophisticated.

On the Situation at the Griffin household...

Griffin: Yes, we cook over an open fire, we have Theodore stoking the fire– because we believe in child labor... But no, we have the interwebs and the internets, all thanks to Al Gore.

On Girls Asking Guys Out on a Date...

Griffin: I think it is fine even though the guy might be made fun of by his friends.

Mr. Hinze (when discussing what's relevant in a history paper): Anything that has to do with History is irrelevant.